We are saying goodbye, sharing stories, making sense of things and creating a legacy. So, in my mother's honor, here's the only poem I've ever written as an adult. I wrote it shortly after the birth of my first daughter and have it adapted it slightly to include my second daughter.
MY GRANDMOTHER'S THIGHS
One day, while sitting on the toilet
I looked down and was shocked to see
my grandmother's thighs.
Not just my grandmother's thighs,
but those of my great-grandmother,
my aunts and great aunts and my mother
(once she'd given up chain-smoking and
began to fill out).
I remember those thighs best
during summers at Beacon Beach,
spilling strongly and unashamedly
out of sturdy one-piece bathing suits
varicose veins glowing in the sun.
No beach cover-ups for these thighs!
They existed proudly alongside
aesthetically more pleasing specimens,
tanned, smooth, shapely thighs
that stuck unsubstantially out of bikinis
The contrast was like that of stiletto heels
and sturdy winter boots.
From a child's height the thighs
were what you saw first
as you peered trustingly up
at grandma or auntie or mommy,
waiting for them to dispense juice from the cooler,
provide money for ice cream,
or give you the go-ahead to return to the ocean,
your thirty minute waiting period after eating
finally at an end.
They were like buoys on the sand,
attached to the ever-vigilant woman
who watched you swim,
and you knew that they would propel her to rescue you,
should you be trapped
in the jaws of the angry, churning Atlantic Ocean.
At the end of the day
they peeked out from under
the shower stall and later the locker,
before being covered up again by flowered dresses,
encasing the women who led us to the car
carrying piles of blankets and coolers and bags,
the thighs supporting them and their bundles
like trustworthy yaks on a Himalayan trek.
I will never love my thighs
and will continue to run, bike and tone them into submission.
I will resent my genes for passing on to me such beasts
and will always cover them up at the beach
with exotic sarongs that say "No! I am not like those women.
I am different. I have traveled. I have done things!"
But I will also hope
that once in a while my daughters will get a glimpse of them
and experience the same sense of trust that I had.
I want them to know that I will always be there.
I want them to be aware of the strength
of the women from whom they are descended.
But mostly I want them to be blessed with
their father's thighs.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Just a Little of That Human Touch?
I am lying on an emergency room gurney the morning of the day I am supposed to fly to Florida, my guts churned up and spilling out of me in a blood red rage.
It's been a stressful three weeks since my mother was diagnosed with cancer, most of it spent on the phone - arranging treatment, trying to figure out Medicare and Medicaid and figuring out where and how my mother will live once she begins chemotherapy.
Three weeks and now the house of cards is threatening to tumble down. We are caught in a Kafka-esque situation. A bureaucrat has yet to enter essential information into my mother's Medicare account that is required before the Cancer Care Alliance will honor her Feb. 8 appointment. I spend hours groveling on the phone with all the relevant parties, to no avail. I have a momentary feeling of hope when I speak to a Medicare supervisor named Charisma, but when I arrange a conference call between Medicare and the Cancer Care Alliance, I am at the mercy of a bland peon who cannot help me. Charisma cannot be reached.
So I try Aetna, my mother's new drug plan provider (if you are under 65, just for kicks, ask your parents to explain their Medicare Part D coverage. Want to really have fun? Ask them to explain the "doughnut hole.")
I find a helpful woman named Stephanie and I appeal to her sense of humanity. She rises to the challenge, enters emergency notes into various and sundry computer screens and takes the gutsy step of GIVING ME HER LAST NAME AND HER EMPLOYEE ID NUMBER and tells me to call back on Thursday and all should be rectified.
So once I manage to get my guts back into my body, I take the plane to Florida and wake up Thursday morning ready to hear the good news
from Aetna. Alas, no one can find records of my call. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH STEPHANIE I want to scream, convinced she has
been vaporized for revealing too much. Finally, I am referred to The Center of Excellence (I am not making this up) where I am told that excellence entails initiating a status request to the Customer Advocacy Center, which, if I am lucky, will call me with an update, while I am on the plane to Seattle. Did you really think they would give me the phone number for the people who are supposed to be my advocates? There is no number, I was told ominously.
I've heard a lot of concerns that healthcare reform would go to the dogs if it's put in the hands of the government. But I have to believe that, as far as Medicare goes, the current public-private mix is the worst of all options, leaving the elderly at the mercy of one or more unnavigable bureaucracies. And when the people who work for those bureacracies are not empowered to deviate beyond "the systems" what we are left with is a cold, unresponsive, ineffective health care delivery system. Call me a socialist, but surely we can do better.
We'll get on the plane for Seattle tomorrow and when we land, I'll pick up the phone and keep fighting in the hopes that I don"t have to ask my cancer-ridden mother to wait a little longer for relief.
It's been a stressful three weeks since my mother was diagnosed with cancer, most of it spent on the phone - arranging treatment, trying to figure out Medicare and Medicaid and figuring out where and how my mother will live once she begins chemotherapy.
Three weeks and now the house of cards is threatening to tumble down. We are caught in a Kafka-esque situation. A bureaucrat has yet to enter essential information into my mother's Medicare account that is required before the Cancer Care Alliance will honor her Feb. 8 appointment. I spend hours groveling on the phone with all the relevant parties, to no avail. I have a momentary feeling of hope when I speak to a Medicare supervisor named Charisma, but when I arrange a conference call between Medicare and the Cancer Care Alliance, I am at the mercy of a bland peon who cannot help me. Charisma cannot be reached.
So I try Aetna, my mother's new drug plan provider (if you are under 65, just for kicks, ask your parents to explain their Medicare Part D coverage. Want to really have fun? Ask them to explain the "doughnut hole.")
I find a helpful woman named Stephanie and I appeal to her sense of humanity. She rises to the challenge, enters emergency notes into various and sundry computer screens and takes the gutsy step of GIVING ME HER LAST NAME AND HER EMPLOYEE ID NUMBER and tells me to call back on Thursday and all should be rectified.
So once I manage to get my guts back into my body, I take the plane to Florida and wake up Thursday morning ready to hear the good news
from Aetna. Alas, no one can find records of my call. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH STEPHANIE I want to scream, convinced she has
been vaporized for revealing too much. Finally, I am referred to The Center of Excellence (I am not making this up) where I am told that excellence entails initiating a status request to the Customer Advocacy Center, which, if I am lucky, will call me with an update, while I am on the plane to Seattle. Did you really think they would give me the phone number for the people who are supposed to be my advocates? There is no number, I was told ominously.
I've heard a lot of concerns that healthcare reform would go to the dogs if it's put in the hands of the government. But I have to believe that, as far as Medicare goes, the current public-private mix is the worst of all options, leaving the elderly at the mercy of one or more unnavigable bureaucracies. And when the people who work for those bureacracies are not empowered to deviate beyond "the systems" what we are left with is a cold, unresponsive, ineffective health care delivery system. Call me a socialist, but surely we can do better.
We'll get on the plane for Seattle tomorrow and when we land, I'll pick up the phone and keep fighting in the hopes that I don"t have to ask my cancer-ridden mother to wait a little longer for relief.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Born to Run
Bruce Springsteen is 60. I am almost 50. Yet it feels like 1975 all over again.
They say as part of life's continuum there comes a time when the children parent the parents. I am, not surprisingly, there. To steel myself for the challenges ahead, I have been running, 2010-style, iPhone in hand, ear buds in place, iPod shuffle mode on, and only a phone call or email away from anyone who needs me at a moment's notice.
Sometimes these runs are Rage Against the Machine stress burners and sometimes they are Grateful for Seattle Sunshine and All That I've Got leisurely jogs. Even when I don't have the Genius feature turned on, my iPod somehow selects the appropriate soundtrack to fit or shake me out of my mood.
How did it know that Yesterday, Blue and Trouble would match my feelings of self-pity or that Hard Rain, Walking on Sunshine Shiny Happy People and Born in the USA wouldn't allow me to wallow for too long? I don't remember feeling so connected to music and its ability to soothe my savage breast since I was a teenager.
And in some ways I've reverted to that time. A kaleidoscopic parade of people from the past has emerged to help, like characters from a Springsteen song. Unbeknownst to her strict stepfather Fred, my friend Chris and I used to sneak out of the house, pile into our friend Elaine's tan VW bug and drive all over the Jersey Shore to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Elaine's Jimmy Carter peanut roach clip at the ready. Now Fred, who I haven't seen since I left for college, sends us daily email affirmations because his family has been touched by cancer. Chris, who I saw last year for the first time in 27 years, will spend a day in Florida with my mother and me, helping us sort through her lifetime of papers.
My mother's friends call me and their voices are shaky with age now. Old friends of mine are in touch and they tell stories of caring for their own aging parents. We look at each other's Facebook profile photos and laugh at how much we all resemble our mothers.
I saw Bruce on Elvis Costello's Spectacle, talking about his struggles with his teenage son. Last year, he was on the cover of AARP magazine.
The last leg of my 4-mile run grazes a bluff overlooking Puget Sound. There is a steep stairwell with 78 steps and at the top, because this is Seattle, there is a coffee shop. When I was a mother of young children, yearning for escape, I would run and when I reached the stairwell, just above me, there would be an old man handing out peppermints and three middle-aged women talking. When I reached the top of the stairs, I would head to my car and emerge with two sippy cups, which I would fill with cocoa from the coffee shop, balanced atop lattes for my husband and me. It seemed like such a precarious balance, yet the middle-aged women, emerging with their single containers of coffee, would smile at me nostalgically.
I haven't seen the old man for a long time and I worry that he is gone. And now when I run, I look down and see young women with dogs and babies in jogging strollers struggling to navigate the stairs. Maybe they are looking up at me and think that I am unencumbered. But we're all just in different places on the stairwell of life, and as Bruce would say, sometimes life takes you one step up and two steps back.
They say as part of life's continuum there comes a time when the children parent the parents. I am, not surprisingly, there. To steel myself for the challenges ahead, I have been running, 2010-style, iPhone in hand, ear buds in place, iPod shuffle mode on, and only a phone call or email away from anyone who needs me at a moment's notice.
Sometimes these runs are Rage Against the Machine stress burners and sometimes they are Grateful for Seattle Sunshine and All That I've Got leisurely jogs. Even when I don't have the Genius feature turned on, my iPod somehow selects the appropriate soundtrack to fit or shake me out of my mood.
How did it know that Yesterday, Blue and Trouble would match my feelings of self-pity or that Hard Rain, Walking on Sunshine Shiny Happy People and Born in the USA wouldn't allow me to wallow for too long? I don't remember feeling so connected to music and its ability to soothe my savage breast since I was a teenager.
And in some ways I've reverted to that time. A kaleidoscopic parade of people from the past has emerged to help, like characters from a Springsteen song. Unbeknownst to her strict stepfather Fred, my friend Chris and I used to sneak out of the house, pile into our friend Elaine's tan VW bug and drive all over the Jersey Shore to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Elaine's Jimmy Carter peanut roach clip at the ready. Now Fred, who I haven't seen since I left for college, sends us daily email affirmations because his family has been touched by cancer. Chris, who I saw last year for the first time in 27 years, will spend a day in Florida with my mother and me, helping us sort through her lifetime of papers.
My mother's friends call me and their voices are shaky with age now. Old friends of mine are in touch and they tell stories of caring for their own aging parents. We look at each other's Facebook profile photos and laugh at how much we all resemble our mothers.
I saw Bruce on Elvis Costello's Spectacle, talking about his struggles with his teenage son. Last year, he was on the cover of AARP magazine.
The last leg of my 4-mile run grazes a bluff overlooking Puget Sound. There is a steep stairwell with 78 steps and at the top, because this is Seattle, there is a coffee shop. When I was a mother of young children, yearning for escape, I would run and when I reached the stairwell, just above me, there would be an old man handing out peppermints and three middle-aged women talking. When I reached the top of the stairs, I would head to my car and emerge with two sippy cups, which I would fill with cocoa from the coffee shop, balanced atop lattes for my husband and me. It seemed like such a precarious balance, yet the middle-aged women, emerging with their single containers of coffee, would smile at me nostalgically.
I haven't seen the old man for a long time and I worry that he is gone. And now when I run, I look down and see young women with dogs and babies in jogging strollers struggling to navigate the stairs. Maybe they are looking up at me and think that I am unencumbered. But we're all just in different places on the stairwell of life, and as Bruce would say, sometimes life takes you one step up and two steps back.
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